The most important thing in life is sincerity. Learn to portray her, and success is guaranteed.

In a relationship with a girl, the main thing is not the main thing, and not the main thing is the main thing.

The most important skill is to enjoy life.
- What if it doesn't work? - Change character.

The most important ingredient of good family cooking is love: love for those you cook for.

Love is the main thing in life. Probably you need to choose to start the main love in your life, and not waste your time on trifles.

There are three golden qualities in a person's character: patience, a sense of proportion and the ability to remain silent. Sometimes in life they help more than intelligence, talent and beauty.

Money is not the main thing in life. But don't forget to get them before you say such nonsense!

The most important thing is not to lose heart when it becomes beyond your strength, and everything gets mixed up, you can’t despair, lose patience and pull at random. You need to unravel the problems, slowly, one by one.

A happy marriage is not when in the seventh year family life they climb into your window with a bouquet in their teeth, and when they respect you every second and don’t walk with their feet on your spiritual territory.

The patience of a man and a woman manifests itself differently in family life. Therefore, we apparently need to understand this issue in order to develop this quality in ourselves.

The Vedas say that in family relationships, the main duty is to be patient with the shortcomings of loved ones. A person, in order to become successful, it turns out, does not need to learn the practices of NLP (neuro-linguistic programming), but to become humbler than a tree. What does "more patient than a tree" mean? The tree has a very patient life, there is not much choice, because a person can bring a dog and he will dig something there; can drive in a nail, hang a horizontal bar for himself; can cut out with a knife "Vasya was here." A man can scream, hit the table with his fist, because he does not understand how it can become terribly bad for a woman out of the blue. The man cannot understand. He can only admit. And having allowed this, instead of showing aggression, he just sits and endures. He makes such a choice, he can, because he is not a tree. And this is not simple stupidity, but a desire to develop such a quality in oneself, to get rid of ignorance. The Vedas say that it is mainly possible to increase patience by performing austerities, because austerity is a voluntary restriction of oneself in something. Voluntarily. That is, if a person simply endures because fate has limited him, then this is not voluntary, therefore it does not have cleansing and strengthening powers.

A woman should also be patient with her husband's shortcomings, but she has the right to be constantly worried. She can get tired at any moment and say "I'm tired and I won't do it." A woman should show her emotions, not hold them back. But this does not mean that she should not reckon with anyone, become capricious, impudent and spontaneous. The psychological stress of a woman is like the recoil from a gun. By sacrificing her energy for the well-being of the family, children, the bestowal is manifested in these three aspects of her nature: cowardice, tiredness, capriciousness. And this is normal, absolutely correct, from the point of view of her nature, female nature.

And we men are wondering - if a woman's patience is not about holding back her emotions, but she needs to allow self-control to practice in our presence, then what? That is, we imagine what it will result in. Who practiced, he imagines what becomes of women. It turns out that you need to help your wife increase the resource of patience. And what is this resource of patience? This is the chastity of a woman. A woman who does not behave coldly, but with restraint, does not provoke a man and treats her husband carefully. And in this case, austerities performed in a calm state of mind are very suitable for a woman. That is, she does not forget that she is, first of all, a wife and mother, and, realizing this, calmly fulfills her duty, remaining otherwise absolutely free.

... In family life, the main thing is patience ... Love cannot last long. (Anton Pavlovich Chekhov)

In one you are right, one hundred percent. in the final conclusion. A woman cannot feel like a full-fledged woman, if there is no one next to her, the only one. But your ten reasons against are far-fetched. They should have been named differently. Well, for example: "What I do not want in family life."

1. Wait for him to return from work, and wind up thinking: “What if he is with another ?!”;
Who wants it? And so that this does not happen, you must choose the very only one. And believe him as yourself. There will be faith, there will not be, washed: “What if he is with another?!”;
You ask how to choose? This is up to you two. As your heart tells you. The only advice, especially for girls, in this situation - Do not rush to conclusions. Before making the final choice, one must not only get to know the person, but also become related to him. You have to become one, even before marriage. Unity of views, unity of goals, commonality of thoughts brings people together and strengthens them. And until this is achieved, do not rush.
And when all these conditions are met, the thought will never arise: "What if he's with someone else?!"

2. Every day to work as Sherlock Holmes, crawling around the house in search of his dirty socks;
Firstly, if this is really the only one, he simply will not allow it to happen. He loves you! He thinks with you in unison! He respects you!
And if it doesn't, then it's not him! And in order not to be in the same team with such a person, see paragraph 1.

3. Cook tons of food to feed this little monster;
If you do not want, and even more so if you are not ready Cook tons of food , for this person, then, again, this is not him. For the beloved, the only one, and life is not a pity, not like such trifles as sweeping and washing the floor after him. Let, even, and once again. Although the only one , or rather, if you are for him the only , won't allow it.

4. Sacrifice your favorite movie for its "rare" football matches;
If you, and he, are not ready for your loved one to sacrifice such a trifle as watching the next soap opera series, or a hockey game, then what can be said about more? So it's not him! And your choice is wrong or hasty.

5. To endure the “valuable” advice of the mother-in-law, having already memorized every reproach;
Reproaches do not arise from scratch. You are entering a new family. With a way of life different from yours. Naturally, your opinion on some things will, of course, differ. But you consciously chose him, so you must put up with his habits, passions, customs. And all this equally applies to the family that raised all this in him. In this case, it is necessary not to put up, but to listen carefully. To please your loved one. Cook borsch, to which he was accustomed since childhood, that is, since his mother cooked it. And many many others. I will not list. You may argue that you do not intend to change your habits for the sake of it. Well, that means it's not him! You have not become one.

6. Waking up in the middle of the night from the "sweet serenade" of his snoring;
From "sweet serenade" beloved do not wake up in annoyance. It is sweet and cozy to sleep under it. His snoring is like an indicator of health. Loving, you catch the slightest nuances by which you recognize both his mood and his health. If you are annoyed by the snoring of a man sleeping next to you, then this is not him!

7. Suffocate with the "aromas" of tobacco smoke mixed with local herbs;
What is he? Did you start smoking right after you got married? Before that, you didn’t observe such a habit for him? Or did this smell suit you earlier and suddenly stopped? Before the wedding, they could not get used to it, but after they do not want to. So it's not him! You rushed, mistaking a fleeting attraction for passion. Random partner, for a life partner. Do not rush to conclusions. Do not rush down the aisle without becoming related to a person.

8. Guard him near the store to take away another bottle;
Again, where were your eyes before? You hurried, not considering him an alcoholic. Did he start drinking after? And you hate it! So you are not one. You did not become related, but as you were different people, they remained. You have different interests. He loves and respects the bottle and drinking buddies more than you. Do I need to say it's not him?

9. Permanent relatives who are either welcome or not welcome, they still “live”
You don't like relatives? In particular, and guests in general? Does he love them and can’t imagine life without a noisy company in his house? Does this mean a different approach to life? And why bind yourself by marriage to a man who sees things differently?
What about his relatives? This is his habitat before meeting you. You want to take it out of her. What will happen to the fish pulled ashore? With a wolf in a cage?
He won't stay the same. He will definitely change. But you loved him free!
And if it changes, it is thanks to you, first of all. So who to blame? Because he changed after the wedding.
Be careful! Men, more than women, value freedom!

10. Daily scandals with clarification of pressing issues: “Who is to blame for everything and who is the boss in the house?!”.
Lovers don't have these questions. I don't want him to be to blame. I am his fault, if it is, or I will not notice, or I will take it upon myself. Because I LOVE him! And I don't want to hurt his pride. If some mistake is made, loving people do not find out whose it is. They say "OUR". And, without wasting time and effort to sort things out, they fix it together. If not, then you are not a couple!
And HE is the owner of the house! But, you are the OWNER! And what is there to argue? He solves his problems, you solve yours. However, both of them are for the common good, for the good of the family. You must trust him in resolving his issues, and he you. And if someone made a mistake, forgive and correct together!

Relatively "10 reasons why I WANT to get married". I won't add anything. Once you have chosen this number. So let it remain so. Ten is ten. Although there are many more. However, I note that all your ten WANT heavily self-focused. And not a word about HIM, beloved. For example: "I want to get married
because I wish him happiness. “I want him to always be full, neatly dressed and have a family in which he could rest after a working day.” “I want him to have close people, among whom he would find comfort and understanding.” You don't have this.
And if it doesn't, then it's not him! AND strong family will not be with him!

Anton Pavlovich Chekhov

Family psychology is a branch of psychology that studies the essence and evolution of family relationships, the features of their emergence, formation, stabilization and decay, as well as a number of other issues related to family and family life. Family psychology is an extremely important section of psychology for most people, because for many of us the family is one of the basic values ​​on which our happiness depends. Building a good, strong, friendly family and developing all the relationships in it to a fairly high level is very difficult. Therefore, family psychology should be studied by every person who has or wants to start a family. The study of family psychology is a serious and very significant contribution to one's life, since a good, happy family is a reliable support for any person, thanks to which he can overcome any life difficulties and hardships. In this article, I will tell you about the most important, from my point of view, points for which it makes sense for you to be interested in family psychology, and even better to seriously study it. So if you, like me, are among those who adhere to family values ​​​​and value them, then take the time to read this article. It will help you pay attention to the most important aspects of family life.

Conflicts

One of the subjects of study of family psychology is conflicts. Since the family is a rather complex system, especially if the family is large, consisting of people of different generations, then taking into account human nature, it is quite obvious that conflicts cannot be avoided in it. Family conflicts are a common thing, another thing is that they can proceed in different ways, and depending on the behavior of the people taking part in them, the same conflicts lead to different consequences. Unfortunately, most people are not properly prepared for such conflicts. Usually we behave the way our parents behaved in similar situations, whose family life we ​​observed in childhood, which is fundamentally wrong. And not only because our own life situations may be just similar to those in which our parents were, but not identical, but also because many parents fail to set the right example of behavior in conflict situations for their children. Therefore, many people do not know how to behave correctly in a particular conflict situation, but often think they know. Well, if people at least turn to psychologists for help to resolve such conflicts, then they have the opportunity to avoid negative consequences from them. But some of them make a decision about how to act in the event of a particular conflict, being completely sure that they are right, before contacting a specialist, or do not consider it necessary to contact someone at all. It is quite obvious that without a positive experience in resolving family conflicts, such people only harm their lives, because their decisions often turn out to be wrong, especially in the long run.

Family psychology can not only teach people how to behave in a conflict situation in the family, but it also teaches how to prevent such conflicts. Suffice it to say that readiness for family conflicts in itself significantly reduces their severity. When a person understands, even before the creation of a family and before the conflict in it, what possible conflict situations he will face with a very high degree of probability, then he is morally more or less ready for them. Therefore, there will be no catastrophe for him if something suddenly goes wrong in his family, if at least unwanted, but not unforeseen problems arise in it. He will already have at least a rough idea of ​​​​what and how to do to resolve the conflict. So if you do not want to seek help from psychologists, for one reason or another, you yourself become psychologists for yourself and your family, by studying family psychology. You never know what disagreements can arise in a family, especially in a young one, not tempered by difficulties and trials. You need to be prepared for all this in advance, not flattering yourself with the hope that everything will be different in your family, that you will never have any problems, scandals, conflicts, disagreements. It happens in life, and I will even say so, everything should happen - both good and bad. So you need to be prepared for everything, including family conflicts. Family psychology, if you carefully study it, will prepare you for them.

Responsibility

The next point to which the psychology of the family pays its attention and which I consider very important is responsibility. Personally, it is difficult for me to imagine a normal, at least more or less, family, which would consist entirely of irresponsible people. Such families, of course, exist, but it is difficult to call them families, let alone normal, prosperous ones, because life in them is extremely stressful and unpredictable. Even when only one of the family members, one of the spouses, is an irresponsible person, the problems of such a family are guaranteed. And there are many such families in which one or both spouses are irresponsible people, believe me. Why does this happen, why is irresponsibility in families quite common? The thing is that some, and possibly many people, as it were, do not grow up to family life. Well, you know how it happens - you still want to take a walk, have fun, do different things that you don’t want to do when you have a family, but here you need to somehow control yourself, limit yourself in some way, bear responsibility, at least for themselves, not to mention other family members, deal with domestic issues, and so on. You understand - these are completely different lives. Life without a family and family life is like heaven and earth. And after all, one must prepare for family life, the same responsibility is brought up in a person from childhood, or rather, it should be brought up, but not always brought up.

On the other hand, egoism is very well developed in some people, not the one that is healthy, but the one that is childish, capricious, unreasonable egoism. And although children also have good altruism, which is not found in any adult, yet much more often they behave extremely selfishly, completely ignoring the desires, needs and problems of other people. And if a person does not grow out of all this, then the selfishness of his character affects his family life extremely negatively. It is enough to look at divorce statistics to understand that something is clearly wrong with our upbringing, or with culture, especially when you consider that many divorces occur due to the fact that people cannot agree with each other, and they cannot. do because they do not want to make concessions to each other. Thus, realizing the importance of a responsible approach to family life, a person can prepare himself for it by paying his attention not only to what family psychology teaches, but also to his personal qualities, his egoism, which must be moderated so that the family does not suffer from for him, and so that the person himself does not suffer because of him. After all, few people want to deal with selfish people, let alone live, even when these people are very charismatic and charming. Exceptions in which one of the spouses suffers because of the selfishness of the other do not count. I do not consider such families successful. The family should please a person, should make him happy, and not be a punishment for him.

Confidence

The next thing to say about family and family psychology is trust. Do I need to tell you that it must be present in a family, that without people's trust in each other, there will be no good family? As my experience tells me, this should not only be talked about, but also constantly repeated so that people who have a family or plan to start one try to do everything in their power to establish the most trusting relationship with their partner. It would seem, well, what kind of call is this, because if people want to create a good family, they already understand this very well, and those who don’t care what exactly they create, they don’t care about trust. However, as I have often observed, many people do not fully understand what trust between people should be and what it is based on. They seem to want to trust and want to be trusted, but they behave in such a way that by their actions they destroy all the partner’s trust in themselves, and their trust in the partner. After all, even a small, but very painful lie can undermine trust in a person for a very long time. And vice versa - if you unreasonably distrust your partner, suspect him of everything and constantly check - you thereby demonstrate your unfriendly attitude towards him. You yourself give your partner a reason to deceive you by unreasonably distrusting him. Because people become for us what we see in them.

This does not mean that you need to recklessly trust your soulmate, but your distrust, firstly, should not be demonstrative, and secondly, it should be based on irrefutable evidence, and not on any kind of speculation. How many families suffered only because one of the spouses had a not quite healthy imagination, because of which he saw deceit everywhere and in everything. So you need to be careful with this, because no one likes to be accused of something unreasonably and unfairly. And of course, you need to watch your own actions so as not to undermine your confidence. After all, how often have I dealt with people who wanted their husband or wife to trust them, when many of their actions seriously undermined this very trust. People, of course, are different, some have a short memory, others have a long one, and still others, as they say, are completely vindictive, so that everyone has a different attitude to the treacherous acts of other people, especially people close to him. But still, most of us - resentment and betrayal remember for a very long time. That is why they say that it is very difficult to win the trust of people - it takes years. But you can lose it in an instant. So family trust plays a very important role. And not only in the family, but in life in general.

Relationships between spouses

Also in the field of view of family psychology is such an area of ​​​​knowledge as the relationship between spouses. Actually, part of these relations are, among other things, the points I have already described above - conflicts, responsibility, trust. But not only. It is important to understand here that the relationship between spouses is a special form of relationship. And the main feature of these relationships is that married people have certain obligations to each other. There are relationships without obligations, they have their pros and cons, but basically, when we talk about family relationships, these are relationships with obligations. But these obligations, you understand, should not so much be stipulated by law and set out on paper as they should be in the minds of people who must voluntarily take them upon themselves. interfere with your family relationships the state, so that with the help of laws, that is, legitimate violence, to resolve their issues with a husband or wife, I think it is wrong. Although often you can’t do without it, because people sometimes even make marriage contracts, because they are not sure of each other. However, I believe that without the voluntary assumption of certain obligations, no laws will prevent a person from harming his soulmate, his family. After all, any laws can be circumvented. So you either want to bear certain obligations to your spouse and to your family, or maybe you don’t need a family as such at all, and you shouldn’t torture yourself and other people by entering into a legal marriage.

People, of course, agree to live with each other on different conditions, and the family may not be at all the same as we are used to seeing it. But nevertheless, the family is a family and the people in it are not strangers to each other. Therefore, they still need to bear some obligations to each other, and on a voluntary basis, which means that they need to respect and appreciate each other, and preferably also love.

In addition, there is another interesting point in the relationship between spouses - this is their use of each other. Which, in general, complements the above. I think that I won’t surprise anyone if I say that some people have a so-called consumer attitude towards their husbands and wives, and they look at them, not so much as people, but as a source of some benefits or as a means achieving one or another of their goals. We are not even talking about a marriage of convenience, because the calculation can be different, including quite noble, not in the least contradicting such a feeling as love, we are talking about this type of people who see in their husbands and wives just another thing they need, their property, which they consider the right to dispose of as they please. I think you, if you haven’t personally encountered this, then at least heard about such relationships, when either a wife for a husband is a thing, a kind of toy, or a husband for a wife is nothing more than a thing, so to speak, henpecked or just a breadwinner.

So I would like to warn some of you, dear readers, that such extremely unequal relationships between spouses, as a rule, do not make people happy. Moreover, such relations are harmful not only for the exploited person, but often for the exploiter, because violence against people significantly worsens them, it kills the personality in them. With such husbands and wives who have been turned into a thing, there can be a lot of problems. So, my advice to you - look for, create an equal relationship with another person with whom you plan to start a family - this is the best option. This, of course, is a good option if you are interested in normal, standard family relationships, with all their pluses and minuses, and not something else.

Readiness for family life

Thus, dear friends, in order to solve, or even better, avoid the above and all other family problems, it is extremely important to prepare a person for family life. The readiness of young people to form a family also falls into the field of view of family psychology. You can't be good at something without learning it. But what does it mean to prepare for family life? This means that young people should know much more about such a life than they know about it, mainly by observing the relationship of their parents, who, as a rule, are the only example of family life for them. And we all know that some parents set an extremely negative example for their children. Naturally, if young people live in exemplary families in which everyone respects each other, in which everyone is happy, then they not only can, but also need to take an example from their parents. But according to my and not only my observations, there are not very many prosperous families in our society, therefore, in order for the apple to roll away from the apple tree, that is, in order not to make the mistakes of their parents, young people must learn all the subtleties of family life in other ways, including including through communication with experts on the subject. Then they will properly prepare for this life and create a good, friendly, strong family in which everyone will be happy.

In general, dear readers, a lot in your life, including family life, will depend on your value system. Those people for whom the family is important will learn everything they need to know about the family and family life, including through the study of family psychology. And those for whom the family is of no value, probably did not even read up to these lines. We always pay maximum attention to what is important and valuable to us, so the readiness for family life largely depends on the values ​​that we adhere to. Take a closer look at yourself and other people - see what is important for you and for them, what you and they pay the most attention to. This way you will know how ready you and other people, for example, your potential spouse, can be for family life.

And in order to understand what a family is - a good, happy family, and how valuable it can be for you - you need, firstly, to learn as much as possible about a good family life, from a variety of sources, and secondly, to compare this value with other values, so that you understand what is best for you. For only knowing about different values ​​and being able to compare them with each other - you can choose the best for yourself, choose what you really need.

Chapter from the book by V.M. Rozina "LOVE AND SEXUALITY IN CULTURE, FAMILY AND VIEWS ON SEX EDUCATION". The book is in our "Love, family, sex and about ...".

From my point of view, the family is, first of all, love, it is kinship, support in life, understanding, sympathy, these are children, therefore, the continuation of our life in infinity. The main thing in family life is not at all joint housekeeping and not even the ability to raise children (and who knows how to raise them?) Or a culture of relationships, although there is no family without all this either. The main thing is love. Not love, not passion, but love. Love means identification with the beloved, his idealization (“He is beautiful, he is a celebration of the soul, life itself”); love is kinship (“He is the husband (wife), father (mother) of my children”). If all this is there, there is also a family, and it can cope with the difficulties of everyday life, and with everyday life, and with a low culture of human relations. When there is no love, then the family will fall apart sooner or later or, even worse, will give rise to selfishness, lack of spirituality, coldness.

Today, the responsibility of each of the family members should increase, a conscious approach to family values ​​and problems should deepen. It is necessary to give up various claims as much as possible, to submit oneself to family requirements, duty, and responsibility.

I understand that it is good to say this - it is difficult to do it: in our time, no matter what a person is, then a person; no one wants to give up anything, especially their “toys”. But modern man has no other way: either he will curb his exorbitant egoism, his claims, which we often perceive almost as spiritual wealth and development, or he will find himself face to face with an even more complex set of insoluble problems, with an even deeper crisis of personal and family life. modern family, probably, should be based on understanding, creation, cultivation of family values. Nothing strengthens it like love and conscious inner effort.

Listening to the journalist, I thought that, of course, he was right, but those skeptics who deny love the ability to "hold" are also right. modern family. And not a single person has yet refused claims.

Meanwhile, the social psychologist again asked for the floor:

I want to draw attention to the fact that our conversations are very general. Who is it about in question and what kind of love? About me or about that very young girl who scolded everyone so ardently? It's one thing - the views of our sixty-year-old guest. The other is forty-year-olds, the third is for those who are thirty, like me, and that young girl probably has her own ideas about all this. Without taking into account the differences in the views and interests of different generations, we are unlikely to understand anything. And please don’t take me at my word, I also understand that generation and age are not the same thing; generation is rather a socio-psychological characteristic. And yet it is very convenient to count generations from our guest. Its formation took place at the junction of two eras, in the 60s, therefore, it belongs to an independent generation. This generation of great scientists, and many famous writers and figures contemporary art. All these people still had high ideals. The next generation after them (beginning, as they say now, the era of stagnation) was largely disappointed, became more sober, more prudent, lost its ideals and civic activity. The third generation is characterized by deep civic apathy, cynicism, withdrawal into private life, sex, petty-bourgeois family, consumerism. Finally, the fourth generation is the generation of rebellion and denial, skepticism and small deeds. All these informals, drug addicts, rockers, all these polite boys who know several languages ​​and are not familiar with morality, arouse interest and fear. I remember one of the representatives of the first generation once said: "I'm scared, these young people are like from another star: they are not humanoids, I stand in front of them as if undressed."

My idea, as you understand, is the need to take into account in the discussion both different generations and metamorphoses of ideas.

I was returning from a seminar with a young woman. We exchanged impressions.

I listened attentively to everyone and tried to try on all these models, but, alas, I can’t let myself down under any of them. I believe in both cooperation and reasonable selfishness, I have a fairly sober look at family and marriage, I am not alien to calculation and sex, and nevertheless I believe in romantic love. But my friend, although she is only 25, seems to have been born in the last century: she believes exclusively in romantic love, everything else does not exist for her. Where would you like to take us?

Indeed, I thought, maybe all these models and ideals, which were so hotly discussed, are in fact only abstract schemes, and living life does not fit into them? Or, on the contrary, is it possible that in the head of a nice woman walking next to me there is a solid mess and confusion, so to speak, paradoxically incompatible things coexist? It is clear how a young man who adheres to a pure ideal, such as a romantic or American one, will behave, but what should this woman do? Is it not the misfortune of our youth, and not only youth, that this confusion in the minds, this mixture of incompatible ideals and values? And we want that, and we don’t want to give up anything. Of course, it would be nice to love like literary romantic heroes or American movie stars on the screen, but then what about family responsibilities or morality? It would be nice to become independent and free, to break with any routine, but how then to live the rest of the family members and where to get away from the notorious life? It would be nice to keep the freshness of feelings and love, but how to achieve this in an ordinary monotonous life, in gray everyday life, in the presence of problems, conflicts, low wages, etc.?

I involuntarily remembered and began to tell my companion about one of the many examinations of older students. When asked about what qualities your future wife should have, tenth-graders of two Moscow schools answered: first of all, beauty and intelligence (as if this is the main thing in family life), determination, the ability to get out of difficult situations (mind you, a purely masculine quality). Then other qualities were already named. And only one young man out of a hundred (!) Said: "Love for children." And what confusion reigns in the minds of our beautiful women. Give them princes by all means!...

Somehow I got angry and asked the employees of my department: “Who, from your point of view, is a real man at the institute?” Out of fifty people, they hardly chose one. You can't say anything, the man is charming, intelligent, smart, kind, only ... he has two families: one official, the other unofficial, and in each there are children. They also talk about love.

I laughed heartily: that's the "real man"! Then he said to the women: “What ideas do you need to have about love and marriage in order to choose only one out of fifty quite decent men (all of them are research workers and most are married), and even that one turned out to be flawed? One is not smart for you, the other is a miser, the third is a womanizer, the fourth is boring, the fifth is too smart for himself, the sixth is unintelligent, the seventh is some kind of lethargic ... My God, where do you live, in what world?

The women who participated in this impromptu interview were already in their 30s. And yet they were so bad (or too good) at understanding people! What to do very young, entering into marriage at the age of 20-25 years? They not only do not understand others, but they do not know themselves. The peculiarity of our culture and way of life is such that a person can really understand himself only by the age of 30-35. I remember that my youthful ideals and ideas disappeared after the army, then a painful rethinking and search began. By the age of 30, it seemed to me that I had finally found myself and developed the right idea about love and family life. But, alas, only by the age of 35 did I find solid ground and already knew what to expect from myself, who I really like, what kind of family I want to have. Probably, at the age of 20-25, a young man cannot understand himself or his beloved.

I thought about all these problems for a long time, and even when I fell asleep, they did not leave me. I had a strange dream.

DREAM

I dreamed that I had been living in some house for a long time and I had a big family. A beautiful girl enters the room where I am. I know for sure that this is my fiancee, with whom I broke up many years ago, we did not get along with her. Suddenly I hear my voice, the words addressed to the girl: “I love you so much! You are so Beautiful! When I think about you, I just can’t breathe, I want to cry from feelings. “I'm just romantic love,” my fiancee looks at me strangely and incomprehensibly answers. She comes up to me, hugs, kisses. A long-forgotten feeling takes possession of me, it becomes hot, consciousness floats away. "What are you doing?" someone says. I turn around: my first wife is standing in the doorway and looks at me with surprise. Why is she here? I’m trying to figure it out. After all, the last time we saw her was 20 years ago, I even forgot what she looks like, and even now I just can’t make out her face. But I am ashamed that my wife found me with my beloved girl, and almost against my will I cunningly: "Meet me, I say, this is my employee." I turn to the bride, but instead of her, indeed, there is an employee. “I am glad to finally meet you,” she says for some reason not to her wife, but to me, and shakes my hand. I am already leaving". My wife follows her with her eyes, then walks around me thoughtfully. "I do not love you! she suddenly screams. I'm leaving for another. You are a weak person, you don’t believe, you never loved me, it just seemed to you, you got married by calculation, now I understand it well.

My heart sinks, for a moment I clearly see her face, I remember it distinctly, I am seized by a painful feeling of the irreparability of what happened. “But I am your husband, I say almost without hope, and you are my wife.” "No, she says, not a wife, but a spouse, you've got everything mixed up." My wife is yelling something, but I can't hear what. It gets even more unbearable, and... I wake up. But strange, for some reason I'm not at home, but somewhere in the city. I quickly walk down the street, I walk, I walk, the city ends, the field begins. Where am I? It looks like a cemetery: crosses, graves... So people are standing in a group: someone is being buried. I come up and see: my bride is lying in the coffin, her eyes are open, she smiles and is surprisingly good, she looks like a witch from the movie "Viy". Among the people at the coffin is my first wife and next to her the second, both crying. I look at them and gradually begin to understand that these three women - my ex-fiancee and two wives - are actually one woman, unattainable, elusive, some kind of incomprehensible creature. It becomes frightening to me, it seems that I will never understand this creature, I will not get through to it, I will not speak to it. It's so scary that... I woke up, now for real.

Here is a strange dream. "However," I thought, "life is stranger than any other dream."

But back to family issues.

WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR FAMILY BREAKUP?

This is what I began to think about, looking back at my thoughts, experiences and fantasies. Have I not made things too easy for myself and for the young people? It turned out that we had nothing to do with it, but the circumstances of life are to blame. And the connection of times was torn repeatedly, and the traditions of upbringing and family life were lost, and we were not educated, and therefore we don’t know how to educate, and we are contradictory, and selfish, and we don’t know how to love, and if we love, then not the way it should be. Where were we, what were we doing? Isn't it time to change position, according to the famous Russian philosopher and aesthetician Georgy Gachev?

“Somewhere,” he writes, discussing the problems of the family, at some stage in my life, I catch myself saying that if until now I had accounts for the arrangement of the world and people (parents, etc.): what do they tell me? something was not given, good, caused evil, then here I am - already an active self-source of evil in the world: I don’t give my poor neighbors: my wife, children, offend ... Here it is important to wake up and keep this understanding: that from now on no one will guilty, and the whole demand is from you, and that you are free to choose and do good or evil, all this is completely within your prerogative.

Through the prism of this judgment, I began to recall my former life and realized: for sure, I had scores with my first wife, and she, perhaps, with me, and even what! But only I am not alone, all of us (who are more, who are less) today are in a claim to their wives, and wives - to us. Again, I remembered G. Gachev's "Family Life Thoughts" and began to read excerpts from his diary.

"thirty. 1. 73. Poison was revived in my soul to my wife yesterday by a grandmother in the village. I went to her for milk, she asked me: how many children? Who is watching, nursing? When he said that I also do everything around the house, she: “Well, it’s clear: woman’s power!” I wondered what that means.

Well, why not woman's power? - speaks. Just a little, they're getting divorced. A peasant has no faith in anything, they don’t listen to him, I have a son, their daughter is 18 years old, and a woman leaves him. And she wrote this on him: that he was drunk, and I don’t know what else! Friends wrote it. They took this will. How did we live? A man will beat you when - you endure, and that's it. And then ... I'm afraid for my son. As if from drunkenness and longing ...

The peasant also became frail, - I say. - That's why the woman took over. Who was the first to start: a man to weaken or a woman to take power?

Everything is arranged to please Baba. And they all get sick ... They don’t give birth: they cut themselves with iron - that’s why they get sick. And then they will bury themselves all evening watching TV. It used to be like evening with us - all the women went out into the street, singing songs, red-cheeked, healthy.

But now, after all, the woman also works, brings money into the house. He does men's work - so the man has to do women's work. I wash diapers all the time.

Do you wash diapers? Does she not have time? She's not working now, yours. We have women too: “Look, my man is so good - he went to the river to rinse!” And I told her: “Not a good man, but you are a bad one.”

And I grieved about the "good old time" and the man - the peasant and the knight ... But then - a socio-patriarchal peasant. And the metaphysical is like a monk or a sage

He must do everything himself, be whole and not be ashamed to be a woman, to do women's work ... So I immediately had a genre episode: my wife entered (in violation of the order of the house and my morning), interrupted and began to say that there was a doctor - a laryngologist from our clinic and that there is nothing in the ear, why call another paid earpiece from Semashka, as my mother advises? I began to analyze why the baby's temperature flared up and how it was the last time she took him under the window to my room and opened the gap from where the dry frosty air came from ...

She flew into a rage, kicked my table, overturned the books and the glass frame on which I write. I started collecting. And then, instead of the temptation that flashed through me: to give her a kick or some other assault (and I swore to her that I would not raise my hand again), I took this picture under a glass frame, carried it to her room and slammed it to smithereens before her eyes. her gender: collect, they say ... And now it’s easy in my soul and fun and free - I don’t feel any anger at her: I instantly got rid of the mob, and if I hadn’t done anything liberating, I would have bubbling, and how much bile would begin to accumulate, poisoning the inside! ... I am glad at the wit of my execution: there - still walks, sweeps, collects fragments. And he didn’t hit: he didn’t take a sin, for which she would hook my soul. Smiling, I continue to think about Descartes. (I am unpleasant to myself in this scene: especially complacency is disgusting here ... But it will be dishonest to edit the diary of those years. So: And reading my life with disgust, I tremble and curse, And I complain bitterly, and shed bitterly tears, But sad lines I don’t wash it off. So Pushkin teaches (“Recollection”). ¬14. V. 86).

3.30 (same day). On the radio "Orpheus" Gluck. The melody that my father played on the flute. I am alone with a baby. Asleep. St. left to read a lecture. Orpheus cries, having lost Eurydice. And I, in tears: I am touched that there is a wife, Svetlana ... What if Death took her away? And she kicked me, after all, loving the baby, out of pain: is it easy for her - a month of continuous one near the patient?

And a grandmother in the village told about her son’s misfortune: “She’s drunk, after all. Once in a lifetime. Well, with someone else. He would forgive her. She asked for forgiveness from him, lying at her feet. But he is not. And if he had forgiven, maybe they would have continued to live in harmony. We had such a conversation. And I think about the cruelty of a man, which is in me. So he would have sung along with Orpheus: “Oh, stiff-necked! Oh, cruel! ... "

How you soften your heart when you are busy with a baby!... Yes, a modern man should not sigh about the former patriarchy and lifestyle and type of man and woman; not to restore it - and it is not necessary. But it is necessary - to soften, to animate, to contain the feminine in oneself, to become more rounded - complete, whole, and not a dry abstraction of courage (duty) and spirit, which he became as a result of patriarchal civilization: he humiliated matter - maternal-feminine.

Right now I’m putting seagulls in a bottle with a pacifier, so that when I wake up, I’ll give you a drink.

Wonderfully written, truthful, honest. The whole horror is that a simple collective farmer (“a woman,” as they say), and a sophisticated philosopher, and his wife, Svetlana Semenova, by the way, is also a famous scientist, are not able to cope with themselves in the family. The first cheats, and, mind you, in a drunken state (and this is a woman who could only sip wine before), the second breaks glass, because, you see, his books were scattered and clever reasoning was interrupted, and his wife did not find a better argument than kick the table at which her husband worked. And the grandmother's son, why is he like that? After all, he loves his wife, this is obvious, but he is not able to forgive, he would rather hang himself than forgive.

What's the matter here? After all, not only that there are two different people in the family, with different ideals of love. Why are we so quick today to break, to quarrel, to reprisal? Why do we get angry at loved ones, blame each other? Indeed, what happens to us in these moments (often perceived tragicomically in hindsight)? It seems that we love, but all of a sudden everything is not so, everything irritates, everything is disgusted.

Why not try a second time to find answers from scientists, in the discussion? And here I am again at the seminar, and again they meet me halfway - my problems are discussed, the case of interest to me is sorted out: Gachev, his wife, their neighbors in the village.

Note:

1Gachev G. Family life thoughts // Literary studies.¬1986.¬#5.¬S. 66-68.

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