They lived happily ever after and died on the same day. Is such a romantic scenario possible today? Or do we love differently today, but expect something completely different from relationships? These questions are answered by family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova.

Psychologies: How and when do we learn to love?

Inna Khamitova: This is what our parents teach us in childhood. If they really love us, accept, satisfy our needs, but at the same time allow us to grow independent and independent (and not like and continue ourselves), then we form the core, the core of the personality - self, "I", self. This means that we are capable of open contact with another person, we can accept him as he is, become interested in him in all his diversity. Not just to be trapped in a biological mechanism - desires, passions, but also to show interest in the person himself, his inner world.

If at the same time we stumble upon an acute angle - the otherness of the partner, we will not perceive this as an insult and will not immediately begin to remake it. In mature couples, such relationships are mutual: both partners remain themselves, but at the same time, each of them is interested in the other.

Many people mistake violent passion for love. And as soon as it passes, it seems to them that everything is over ...

Most love relationships begin with physiological passion. Another thing is that during stormy experiences we find ourselves so absorbed in feelings that we do not realize what kind of person is nearby. We just revel in ourselves and our experiences. After a couple of years, the concentration of hormones decreases and the partners either begin to study each other, or, like a drug, are drawn to new vivid emotions.

In fact, it is very difficult to allow oneself to open up to another, to become interested in his world, but not to dissolve in it, not to lose one's "I" - it is very difficult. A person who suffers from a lack of himself needs passions to fill him. If they are not there, he feels tremendous loneliness. And he tries again and again to fill the void with vivid experiences. That is why only being self-sufficient, independent, free, you can truly love another person.

What happens when violent feelings end?

The concentration of hormones in the blood decreases sharply, and we begin to see a person with all his shortcomings. Therefore, very often two years after they met, people either disperse or get married. When partners begin to live together, they become so close to each other that everything immediately becomes clear to them. If a woman, for example, idealized a partner, and now instead of a prince, with whom she counted on endless happiness, she sees an ordinary person next to her with her weaknesses, she is forced to reconsider her vision of the couple.

There is “he”, there is “she”, and there is “we”. Two successful people. People who feel good apart, feel good together

Partners study each other, adapt to each other, create their own world. Or it turns out that he (or she) is not able to bear the fact that he (she) turned out to be ... just a person. Faced with reality, you need to do something - overcome your disappointment, part with illusions, allow yourself to be happy, or rather scatter in different directions. The main thing is to understand that if we expect that we will live together and we will not have a single conflict, not a single tense conversation, not a single quarrel, this is a utopia.

What does it look like - "they really love each other"?

There is “he”, there is “she”, and there is “we”. Two successful people. Everyone has something of their own, while they like to be together, they have common affairs, hobbies, they like to talk with each other, they are not bored, they know how to agree on important issues (but this does not mean that they are in everything agree with each other). People who feel good apart are good together.

If one partner does not accept the other, he is forced to defend public discourses, and there are many of them: "the husband must ...", "the wife must ...". As a result, he is constantly trying to impose some kind of tracing paper on a real person, and if it doesn’t work out, he is very disappointed.

He also experiences disappointment if he tried at all costs to remake the other "for himself", he did everything - but there is no happiness. But he is not there, not because the other is bad, but because he himself has emptiness inside.

How much are we willing to pay for what we seek in love?

Each person has their own basic life values. Something that he will never sacrifice, because otherwise he will cease to be himself. There is also a set of attitudes, rules that he can easily refuse. For example, how to “correctly” cut bread… If you are constantly struggling to get the other person to stop cutting that way, try asking yourself the question: “Still, why do I get so worked up over trifles? Do I want to be happy or right?

Love requires mental work, but also courage and courage: not everyone has the courage to take a step from passion to love

Such a struggle is more like a desire to build everything according to your own rules, to declare yourself the main one. But why is it so important for you to control the space around you? Where does it come from? If from childhood, most likely, today's marital relationship is a kind of continuation of relations with parents. But you can already relax! And live by your own rules, not seeing a “strict parent” in your partner.

Every person dreams of a real love, but most people live their lives like this without experiencing happiness and without understanding how it is to truly love? Many marry without love, believing that the main thing in life is family, wealth, fame and career. Of course, all this is at the initial stage. family relations leads to the satisfaction of desires, but over the years everyone realizes that money, wealth and fame are not what is needed for happiness. Then life is filled with emptiness and the feeling that it was impossible to treat the issue of creating a family so easily and marry without waiting for true love. Everyone needs it like air.

Of course, in youth not everyone can understand how to distinguish true and sincere love from another that quickly passes. In fact, not everyone can truly love, this is a special gift or art that needs to be learned and comprehended. Love is a feeling that comes as a gift to a person who has a rich inner world and a wonderful character. Selfish, selfish and arrogant people are not able to truly love. In order to understand if you are truly in love, you need to know the signs of true love that will help you recognize it among other superficial feelings that you will meet along your life path. And here they are:

1. strong attraction. If you don’t just like a person, but you suddenly began to notice something in his behavior that you are pleased to see how he smiles, moves, turns his head, speaks and behaves, then this is a sign of true love. True love is hot, passionate and painful. However, it should not be confused with that feeling of physical attraction to a partner, when you are waiting for a meeting, like a holiday, and you burn with impatience to see you sooner. This is only the initial stage of the development of relations, when the lovers do not yet experience deeper feelings for each other. They are brought together only by physical sensations, they are excited by touch and feel an increased heartbeat.

True love is based not only on physical attraction, but also on the spiritual. This is when you like a person not because he is handsome, slim and attractive, but when you are drawn to him as to a close and dear person. A truly in love person accepts a partner for who he is. If you notice that the person you like has flaws and you hope to correct him in the future, then this is a sign that you do not feel true love for him. True love is blind, your loved one becomes the best for you. You like everything about him, and the way he looks, and the way he behaves, and what he dreams about and talks about.

2. Another way of thinking. When you truly love, they make a person happy. He begins to think and think differently. A man in love enjoys life, begins to love himself and pushes his partner to this. If you are looking for ways to make your partner jealous, suffer and spend money on you, then this is not true love. True love is devoted and unselfish.

You will always strive to do everything possible to bring joy to your loved one. You will be primarily interested in what you can give, not what you can receive. A truly in love person is constantly looking for ways to solve the problems that a loved one has, and does not wait for him to make his life better. True love inspires a person to exploits, because of it a person's self-esteem rises and new plans for the future appear.

4. No Doubt. If, despite the fact that relatives and acquaintances tell you about the unseemly aspects of your partner's character, you do not pay any attention to this and you have no doubts about him, then this is a sign of true love. When you truly love, you idealize your partner and consider him the only one. There can be no doubt about what kind of husband or wife he will be.

Are you sure that you found that person, whom you have been looking for all your life and want to see him next to you all your life. You fully accept him for who he is and are ready to go with him to share with him everything that you have. You want to create a family with your loved one and have common children.

As long as we wait for a partner to solve our problems, fulfill our desires, fill the inner emptiness and generally give meaning to our whole life, true love will remain for us ... inaccessible.

He (she) is it? Why is it so hard to meet your soul mate? How to understand that this is really love? And do they really love me? .. Our whole life with dreams of great love is built around such questions. They worry us, and we tirelessly ask them to ourselves, and sometimes to our partners. In an age of consumerism, when romance in flowers and chocolate hearts is sold every year on February 14 and March 8, and sex is increasingly being run by glossy magazines and intimate goods sellers, love is also becoming a consumer product. In a society where quick results without effort, win-win recipes and guarantees against any risks are quoted, we also unwittingly build our love into the format of instant profitability:“You disappoint me - we are less attracted to each other - that's it, it's time to leave!”

We want it hotter

“When the first love subsides and the relationship becomes smoother, many couples really break up,” confirms family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova. - Many men and women are sure that to truly love means to be completely in the flow of passion.. The pursuit of strong emotions is preferable to harmony, balance in relationships, the desire to get to know the world of your chosen one better. Some may even have an idea of ​​​​love as a kind of addiction, in terms of strength akin to a drug.

The thirst for continuous search is also fed by the Internet. “Thousands of new people come to meet every day,” boasts an advertisement for one of the popular dating sites. “And this means that there will always be a reason for a new meeting!” The ability to quickly browse, unlimited casting of candidates creates the illusion that we will certainly find what failed this time. "Internet dating is part of modern life, and in a certain sense they help out a modern person, - says psychotherapist Alexander Orlov. - On the other hand, they form in us a consumer attitude towards love: as if we are in a supermarket, where there is also a department of various partners ... Our communication becomes more intense, the process of acquaintance accelerates. The number of potential contacts is growing, but at the same time they are becoming more brief, ephemeral.”

Ideal is hard to give up.

The image of a handsome prince or a fairy-tale princess seems to still live in our dreams, without being embarrassed by everyday reality. “It is necessary to give up the ideal, almost incorporeal image of your partner in time, otherwise you can fall into the trap of your own delusions,” Inna Khamitova is sure. - When does it start living together, many can not stand meeting with a real person. There are details that cannot be overlooked, but the ideal image of a beloved makes it difficult to recognize that he is the same person as we are, and we may not like everything about him". But how is that not all? After all, we dream of great, endless and unconditional love! “But only God can love like this,” those who have chosen the spiritual path say, moving away from the world behind the monastery walls. So how to combine the love of a man and a woman with such an unattainable height?

And those who are looking for a couple, and those who have been together for a long time - we all want true love: it seems to us the last chance to fully feel ourselves, to give meaning to our lives. “The view of love has changed a lot since the old days,” notes psychoanalyst Umberto Galimberti. - It seems that it has become the only area of ​​​​life in which we can be ourselves, freeing ourselves from other roles that society has loaded us with.».
Desperately, as never before, we place our hopes on love: that it will give everything that we lack, awaken a taste for life and certainly lead to happiness. But are we ready to make sacrifices for this goal? " The space of love is the only one in which our "I" is not bound by rules and can unfold freely, continues Umberto Galimberti. - Therefore, love contributes to the aggravation of our individualism. Today, men and women are looking for in it not so much a relationship with another, but the opportunity to realize their "I". So it turns out that in order to realize ourselves, we need to love - and at the same time, loving is more difficult than ever. Since today we are looking for love through another person, indirectly, our own "I".
However, the desire for self-realization only for its own sake is contrary to the nature of true love: being born between two people, it changes both. Partners in their entirety are revealed not only for themselves, but also for each other. The meeting of two gives birth to a third, new character - their union, and this must be reckoned with. True love requires our patience, perseverance, a clear mind and the ability to accept things as they are. True love is an effort, our wager with life itself. And this love always returns a hundredfold what we have invested in it.

True love means...

American family therapist Harvill Hendricks, in his book How to Get the Love You Want, described ten important steps to advance on the path of true love.
…understand that there is a hidden purpose in our love relationships: to heal those spiritual wounds that each of the two of us carries in the soul from childhood.
...try to see a real person in a partner freed from their own illusions and unjustified expectations.
...love him unconditionally.
...caring for our relationship to improve them day by day.
...understand that the desires and needs of others just as important as our own.
...trust your partner by giving up the destructive habit of being unhappy.
...learn to see the dark side of your soul in order not to project them onto another, not to blame him for what we do not like about ourselves.
...seek strength and opportunity which we lack without expecting another to fill them.
...talk about your needs and wishes of a partner.
...understand and accept that true love is hard.
Why is love blind ?

Alfried Längle, MD, PhD, President of the International Society for Existential Analysis and Logotherapy (GLE-International).

Love is the rest of heaven on earth. Lovers have no problems, all the forces of the world are in their hands, they do not need sleep or food. But true love is different, it is seeing, it sees the human being. Love, they say, blinds. Why? In love, I see a person the way I want to see himb. I still know him so little that I fill everything with my desires.mi. Thus, I am always in love with my own performance. And that's what makes falling in love a heavenly experience, because in my mind there are no dark sides. In the other, we see his charm, attractiveness, eroticism. And on these carnations we hang our ideas about him.

About it:

• Carl Rogers"Marriage and its alternatives", Eterna, 2006.


• Erich Fromm"The Art of Loving", Azbuka-klassika, 2008.


• Allan and Barbara Pease"Why do men want sex, and women want love", Eksmo, 2009.

And almost all women wonder - how is it, if a man truly loves? And is the stronger sex capable of experiencing this feeling at all?

The question may seem strictly philosophical, but by no means lengthy considerations will be the answer to it.

Refer to the works of practicing psychologists - many of them not only speak, but also help people understand themselves, become happy here and now.

How to distract from thoughts about a loved one? help you!

Does true love exist?

Of course there is. Moreover - the world rests on it.

If a person certainly needs, he you should go to a psychologist. Let him deal with his. He wants games, actions, "movement" as they say today, emotions. True love cannot bear such gambling.

If you truly love, then no sacrifice is needed. The most important person in everyone's life is yourself.

If you love yourself. If you give up your own values ​​in the name of someone, there is no talk of love.

You can give in to the little things improve yourself, but do not break. If a loved one sets a condition for you: do not work, stay at home with the children, I decided so. And you can’t help but work, besides being a wife and mother, you are also an excellent teacher, for example!

Such conditions are from the category of “I feel so comfortable”, it has nothing to do with the unconditional acceptance of a loved one with his goals, aspirations, and opportunities.

Man's love

Very strange question can men really love. There is no difference between the sexes in this. Of course they can.

And if you doubt this, then you may have become attached to a person who does not love you. And you don’t even want to think that someone else will take the place next to you.

In this aspect, it is often remembered male polygamy.

Men are all the same, they cannot love one woman, it is naturally conditioned, etc. Good excuse, beautiful, biting. But it's an excuse!

If a man loves himself and respects, if he met a woman whom he truly loved, he there is no need to supplement your life with some other emotions with other women. He doesn't need it, he doesn't care.

Another common question: can an alcoholic really love a woman? Alcoholism It's a mental illness, a chemical addiction. Alcoholism always (note - always) leads to intellectual and physical degradation.

This means that invariably, over time, the moral and ethical values ​​that are in the mind of a person will degrade. Alcoholics have a lower threshold for being critical of themselves and the world.

In a word, we can say that a true alcoholic is spiritually disabled person. Can he love?

It depends on the degree of the disease, but every year of alcohol abuse a person loses many emotional and moral needs and abilities, including the ability to love.

What is love for a troubled man based on? Psychologist's answer:

Parables and sayings

There is one interesting parable. One day, a teacher found out that one of his students was in love and was seeking his love. He advised him to lag behind the man, because love cannot be demanded.

The student was surprised, to which the teacher said that when they try to break into your door, you only lock yourself harder.

What to do, asked the student? The teacher advised him to become a welcome guest, and then the doors will be opened for you.

Love a person sincerely genuine, don't try to make yourself look bigger than you are. Don't attract undue attention, but make it clear - modestly and unobtrusively - that you are there, and you are the one who can help.

The flower does not chase the bees, but simply attracts them with its nectar. So love is the nectar that people flock to.

The moral here is simple: You can't ask for love. If this is your man, he will not pass by. Be yourself, show your kindness and human warmth, without obsession and bravado.

Here you can remember statements of the above-mentioned M. Labkovsky:

1. Don't look for love from . Don't waste your time: You're not looking for meat in a fish store. He does not need a second wife, he already has one at home.
2. Think about whether you want to get married or want to fall in love. These are different things. Marriage is an attribute, visibility. Love is real, content. If you have a healthy need to love, there will be a person who will reciprocate it.
3. If some person replaces the whole world for you It means that you simply do not have your own world.

If a man is not ready to start a family and in general serious relationship does not demonstrate, giving him a chance, you, with a high probability, are just wasting time. Your time, mind you.

Parable about love:

Does she pass?

Feelings can run dry. People break up, get divorced, find new happiness.

But that doesn't mean they didn't love. Relationships are a mechanism that can fail. But it can be fixed if both really want it.

And they don't rust at all utopian feelings, memories from the past that we varnish, gloss, idealize.

The whole horror is that many people live their whole lives with these glossy memories or the illusion of true unfulfilled love. True love is the one that came true for both.

Feelings can be adults, mature. If you are healthy in a psychological sense, then you will not run after infantile passions and attachments. It is worth understanding that we have one life, and that it makes sense to spend it as a happy person, loving and loved.

What do we expect from relationships, what does love require from us, and what does it mean to “love truly”? When a relationship deteriorates or even ends, one of the two is bound to suffer. He does not want to part with love. But with love?

We learn to love as children

How did your parents love you as a child? Were you accepted, understood, allowed to grow independent and independent? Or loved you for the fulfilled condition? “Clever! Hold the candy! Only in the first case is our personality, our self, formed. And as we grow older, we are able to accept others for who they are. In relationships, we show interest in the inner world of a partner, and we do not perceive differences in views as an insult and do not rush into battle for his redistribution.

In harmonious couples, people remain themselves, they are interested in each other's world, they respect everyone's space and point of view.

when the passion goes

When passion leaves, the time for true love, understanding and respect comes. Or doesn't come. During falling in love and stormy experiences, we do not particularly consider our beloved, we do not delve into his inner world, we do not notice disagreements. Rather, disagreements do not irritate us. But as soon as the hormonal explosion passes, suddenly we find multiple inconsistencies. Oh, my favorite is not the one! And what used to attract is now not interesting and prevents you from living as you want.

“To allow yourself to open up to another person, to become interested in his world, but not to dissolve in it, not to lose your “I” is very difficult. A person who suffers from a lack of himself needs passions to fill him. If they are not there, he feels tremendous loneliness. And he tries again and again to fill the void with vivid experiences. That is why only being self-sufficient, independent, free, you can truly love another person. Inna Khamitova, psychotherapist.

Yes, unfortunately, when violent feelings go away and the concentration of hormones decreases, we begin to see a person with all his shortcomings. For some, this happens in a year or two, for others faster or slower, but the period of idealization ends for everyone. Partners either adapt to each other, or part, unable to bear an earthly person nearby, and not a prince or princess.

Let go of illusions and allow yourself to be happy

Adapt or divorce / scatter? The first involves overcoming disappointments, accepting the otherness of the partner and, most importantly, understanding that there will be quarrels. Because, family life without a single conflict - utopia.

What does “they truly love each other” look like?

A couple is “we”, in which there is “he” and there is “she”. Two accomplished self-sufficient people. They like to be together, they have common topics for conversation, hobbies, business, friends, they are interested in each other. And this does not exclude "one's own" for everyone. They are good to be together and also good to be apart.

There are disputes, but without the goal of subordinating and remaking for themselves. When this happens, there is no happiness. We understand subconsciously that blackmail, manipulation and pressure do not change the picture.

There are values ​​that we cannot give up, otherwise we will lose ourselves, otherwise there is no point in living together. Such a sacrifice will not make us happy. But there are many things in a relationship that you can agree with by reconsidering your reaction to it. The notorious tube of toothpaste immediately comes to mind, socks scattered around the house ... Ask yourself the question: “Why am I so killed because of the little things? Do I want to be happy or right? Maybe you want to be in charge? Why is it so important for you to control the space around you? Where does it come from? If from childhood, most likely, today's marital relationship is a kind of continuation of relations with parents. But you can already relax! And live by your own rules, not seeing a “strict parent” in your partner.

What does true love require?

True love requires daily work. Relationships are a never ending process. It is impossible to stock up on good or receive a lifelong indulgence for relationship mistakes or sins. This love falls on us like manna from heaven. This love is easy to accept, we enjoy and revel in it.