In any family, quarrels arise from time to time.

This is a normal process of human interaction, but Small conflicts can turn into big ones., destroying the union.

Relationship Problems - Psychology

Family is small social group where the interests of different people meet.

As in any community, a certain hierarchy is built in it.

If two or more people try to seize power, then conflicts are bound to arise.. Women's attempts to dominate also sooner or later become the cause of quarrels.

1. Attempts to seize power. Most families are built according to the patriarchal principle, that is, the main man. But it also happens that a spouse or grandmother tends to dominate and manage all family processes and decisions.

   If other family members agree, this does not cause sharp conflicts, but as a rule, such a position is unacceptable for male pride, so quarrels are inevitable.

   Power can be shared between wife and mother-in-law, husband and father-in-law.

2. Financial difficulties. Difficulties with money destroyed not a single family. The inability to plan expenses becomes the cause of constant disagreements. Poverty causes a state of constant tension, reduces, leads to depressive moods.



3. Housing problem- a small area, the need to live with parents, paying a mortgage. How more people live in the same apartment, the more tension is felt. Any person needs their own personal space, if it is not there, nervousness appears, the desire to spend time at home as little as possible, constant quarrels.
4. Life which makes life annoying. The romantic period passes, and there comes the need to conduct a joint household. Days become monotonous, all the time there is a need to solve the same issues, as a result, irritability appears, a feeling of disorder.

   If only one of the spouses takes care of the house, and the second does not seek to help, this ultimately leads to a growing conflict, discontent.

5. Sexual incompatibility. Intimate relationships are one of the most important family life, because of them, people, basically, marry. Sexual incompatibility, different needs for intimacy are the cause of constant tension. After a while, intimate life becomes familiar, one of the partners may want more variety, while the other is happy with everything. It is better not to hush up the problem that has arisen, but to discuss it with a partner.
6. Differences in social standing spouses. If one of the partners is higher in status, this can cause some psychological discomfort for the other, especially if the husband or wife openly demonstrates their high position.



7. One of the partners earns significantly more- this problem is especially pronounced if the wife has a high salary, and the husband feels an infringement of pride at the same time.
8. No common goal. The family must move in a certain direction. If the husband wants one thing, the wife another, then disagreements are inevitable.
9. There is no understanding in which direction to develop the family- people just live side by side, without a goal, motivation.
10. Lack of agreement in parenting practices.
11. Misunderstanding of desires, motives each other.
12. Intervention of parents in the relationship of spouses. The older generation may think that they know better how to arrange a family life, when to have children, how to develop relationships. But young people may strongly disagree with the intervention of parents and grandmothers in their lives.

    Unfortunately, many families have collapsed due to the fact that the mother considered it her duty to control her son's family and interfere in relationships.

13. No desire to compromise, seek solutions acceptable to both spouses. Everyone stands on his own, the point of view of a husband or wife does not matter, people are not able to agree on even the simplest things - where to go on vacation, what refrigerator to buy, there may be more global problems - moving, where the child will study, whether the wife will be allowed to work and build a career.

Getting married, partners must understand the responsibility to the new family.

The union must be approached consciously and thoughtfully choose a partner, guided not only by the emotion of passion, but also by reason.

The first difficulties appear at the beginning of their life together, they should not be ignored, but should be addressed.

Important in the ability to regulate family problems - the ability to conduct a dialogue. If you do not know how to talk with a partner, this will cause distance, misunderstanding, discontent. How does he know what you want?

Or will you understand what your spouse needs if you don’t talk to him? Not everyone is able to correctly guess the thoughts of another person, so it is best to learn how to conduct a dialogue.

Conversation assumes that you express your point of view and listen to the opinion of your partner.

Try to understand his motives, why he thinks in a certain way. During a conversation listen first, and only then prepare the answer, otherwise, immersed in your thoughts, you can miss the most important thing.

Disorder after the birth of a child: what to do?

The birth of a baby first crisis period in family life.

At this stage, everything changes - the usual rhythm of life, it becomes more difficult financially, intimate relationships stop or become less frequent.

The child takes all the time of a woman, she gets tired, there is a risk of occurrence. Some husbands are offended that now they get less attention, often at this time they decide on.

So that there are no conflicts in the family during this difficult period, it is important to unite efforts to care for the child.

Husband can perform for the first time simple housework, giving the wife the opportunity to take care of the baby or relax.

Useful joint walks, playing with a child. Some men are afraid of babies, sometimes mothers themselves are afraid to let their husband near the baby. This is the wrong strategy.

A man can also establish contact with a child. At first, it is enough to sometimes hold him in your arms, walk with a stroller, swing, watch while his mother is resting.

What to do after the birth of a child:

IN strong family the birth of a baby unites spouses even more. If there have already been problems, then they can get worse, which is why it is so important to learn how to build relationships even before the birth of a child.

How to solve problems with your husband?

A man should feel like the head of the family, in this case he feels self-sufficient, his self-esteem rises. A smart woman lets her husband lead.

This does not mean that it should always be the way he wants, there are ways to gently lead the spouse to the right decision, but so that he does not feel that the woman has the last word.

The man should be praised. If he is constantly criticized, then his desire to help will disappear. It will be easier for him to sit on the couch than to listen that he is doing something wrong.

He should be thanked- for the fact that he is there, that he brings a salary, worries - there will always be reasons for gratitude.

This is a wonderful feeling that helps to build harmonious relationships, and above all, create harmony within yourself.

How to stop constant scandals?

In fact, they just need to be stopped, and one of the spouses is enough change attitude how the second one will pull up behind him.

1. Learn to take criticism well.
2. A woman should show more gentleness, pliability, wisdom.
3. Stop reacting sharply to criticism, discontent, bad mood of the spouse.
4. Think, if you are always criticized for the same thing, perhaps there is a certain reason for this, and the spouse thus wants to let you know what you want to change.
5. Know how to prioritize.
6. Come to terms with the conflicting nature of the spouse and stop responding to provocations. If they do not answer him, then sooner or later he will not have reasons for conflicts.
7. Learn to be patient.

If conflicts do not stop, negatively affect children, this is an occasion to think about whether you really need such a troubled family.

How to avoid quarrels: help

Are you afraid that quarrels are inevitable?

It's not so scary if make an effort, they can be avoided.

1. Understand that each person is a separate person with his own habits, needs, desires.
2. Respect the independence of the partner - he has the right to his own opinion.
3. During a conflict situation, try to find a solution acceptable to both or make concessions, depending on the specific situation.
4. Learn to love. Many problems come from childhood, including inability.
5. Respect the personality of the child.
6. Discuss with your spouse, grandparents the methods of raising and influencing children so that there are no contradictions.
7. Be grateful for even the smallest things.

Families where there are no conflicts or at least minor quarrels are practically absent.

But this is due to the fact that we are not taught rules and regulations of living together. You can stop scandals if you sincerely want it and start working on relationships.

What to do if there are constant quarrels in the family? Find out from the video:

Hello dear friends!

Mutual understanding is a fundamental quality for building strong, family relations. But it happens that the spark goes out, the passion goes away, and in their place there is a reinforced concrete wall of omissions and silence.

This process occurs due to two reasons: a woman firmly believes that her chosen one will change over time, and a man hopes that her beloved will never exchange a portion of care and adoration for sharp reproaches.

Dangerous Mistakes

Understanding reaches its peak at the moment when both people sincerely trust each other. At the same time, there are pitfalls, ignoring which will result in conflicts and disagreements. I suggest you familiarize yourself with the track record of mistakes leading relationships to a break.

Mismatch between the values ​​and needs of the couple

Every person has a klondike of fears, habits and values ​​in their head. They are acquired in childhood and replenished throughout life. Education also makes an invaluable contribution to the stock of attitudes. Basic family values ​​are always passed down from dynasty to dynasty.

Mutual understanding becomes impossible when one of the partners does not share the views on the life of the other. For example, it is important for a woman to build a strong relationship with a man and have a child. It is these values ​​that form her idea of ​​a happy life. Consequently, the range of its needs will acquire specific messages.

But the man imagines a completely different picture. Financial stability and career growth are important to him. Confrontation of the above directives gives rise to a powerful wall of misunderstanding and, moreover, is dangerous by a complete break in relations. Therefore, it is very important at the first stages of acquaintance to correctly ask the chosen one about personal values ​​and ideas of family improvement.

Conflict and manipulation

Tantrums, raised voices, silent games and door slamming are a sign of manipulative inclinations. Playing the role of a victim or an aggressor, a person shows disrespect for a loved one, undermining feelings in the bud with dynamite!

Language of love

The “language of love” described in the book by G. Chapman is a real tool through which a person can express love for a partner. As it turned out in practice, there is not a single set of languages ​​that our interlocutor “understands” when communicating. For one person, these are gifts, for another - time, and still others are fanatic from the verbal expression of experiences and touches.

In order to improve the quality of understanding with your wife, it is important to ask yourself the question: “And thanks to what will my beloved be able to understand about my feelings? How will she feel happy (words, actions, etc.)?”.

Inability to talk about your feelings and desires

It is especially important to be able to talk about your requests and desires. Unfortunately, in 2017, people still don't have the superpower to communicate telepathically. And to understand what he or she wants is impossible!

But the ability to talk about spiritual sensations is a purely individual phenomenon! It is important to understand that character and temperament play a key role in this matter. In order to understand, it is important to speak and be able to wait for an answer. And this flows into the next subparagraph.

inability to listen

The lack of dialogue with her husband makes a woman turn into a radio, constantly broadcasting news reports. Moreover, they have nothing to do with the interests of the spouse or his problems.

Even when a man made up his mind and began to speak, in her arsenal there will always be the right advice or comment that simplifies his position as a man or person. So ladies, if you want your boyfriend to talk, just let him do it! Is there a basic list of recommendations, adhering to which you can count on understanding at a glance?

Rules of Mutual Understanding

Write down family status and life plans

To maximize mutual understanding, I suggest that you lay down the essence of your family's rules on paper in an accessible language. This should apply to both everyday life and the upbringing of children. Make special emphasis on stipulating important aspects of the partner, giving him the opportunity to argue his point.

Spend time together

Joint leisure is able to introduce you to your soul mate again. Draw, cook, dance, share your feelings about the working day over a cup of tea and be interested in your soulmate! To understand at what stage your relationship is currently at, just take a closer look: the more the husband or wife moves away from spending time together, the more critical the situation is and needs to be saved!

Don't forget about the kids!

In a family where there is no understanding, but there are children, it is they who fall victim to the battle between the ego of mom and dad. Each of them throws all his strength into shouting over the opponent, forgetting that there is a baby in the next room.
If you want to keep the child's nervous system in order, then I advise you to stop sorting things out with a child. He must see his parents happy, because otherwise, he will take the blame for what is happening!

Respect your partner!

Respect is the main whale on which the whole framework of understanding is built. Give up disrespectful attitude towards loved ones in front of strangers, demonstrate control of emotions and endurance.

Compliments and praise

How to make a person grow wings behind his back? That's right, praise and encourage! If you do not learn to notice good qualities, then you will give all your attention to looking for bad ones, which is fraught with scandals. Do not stir up past mistakes, give thanks for actions and words, give compliments at least 5 times a day.

Taboo on reproaches

Reproaches are words that can destroy your relationship and completely kill mutual understanding. If you criticize, then do it constructively, refusing to go over to personalities and insulting words.

Support and friendliness

Support your chosen one in any situation! Always be by his side, showing calmness and faith in his strength. After all, when an individual is friendly, smiling and friendly, you want to talk to her and trust her! So why not become a super-human for your beloved!?

On this point!

Subscribe to blog updates, and in the comments, be sure to share your personal tips for resuming understanding in a couple! It is very interesting to know your opinion!

Building any family relationship is the hard work of each person, aimed primarily at combating their own shortcomings. Why does misunderstanding arise in relationships with spouses, loved ones, parents? The point is that our life together poison our own sins.

Why do we hoard negativity?

Imagine a situation of a stupid destructive argument between you and your loved ones.

Whatever the outcome of the brawl, the truth will not be born in it, since the presence of constructiveness is not at all visible here.

However, each of you will stubbornly stand your ground, demonstrating your own rightness.

Such situations only accumulate negativity, giving rise to constant misunderstanding in the family. None of the participants in the dispute intends to give in, each considers himself the only right one, each seeks to show his leadership, intelligence and ability to defend a point of view.

And each does not understand that with his arrogance, selfishness and criticism hurts the other.

And be you at least three times right, such phenomena will slowly but systematically destroy your idyll, poison your coexistence and significantly cool interpersonal relationships.

Problems of misunderstanding between wife and husband

Misunderstanding with her husband is an intermediate degree of divorce.

The thing is that initially two people are programmed for different goals and aspirations.

Why is this happening?

• Be sure - having come to an intra-family compromise, the place of residence will fade into the background for both of you. And at the moment, it is quite possible that such disagreements are a mask for more pressing problems - problems of incompatibility and unwillingness to do internal work on oneself to preserve the union.
• Indulging in the arguments of the problem of misunderstanding, you consciously go down a destructive path. And he has only a few outcomes: the first is endless scandals and nervous breakdowns, the second is infidelity and betrayal, attempts to find “happiness” or consolation on the side, and the third is depression and self-isolation.
• Some seek solace in alcohol, others delve into watching series and TV shows in an attempt to compensate for romantic feelings, and still others take the easiest path - divorce or separation. It is these people who find themselves, as it seems to them, a more profitable pair. However, over time, they always step on the same rake.

What to do?

Following our brief tips, you can save your family without the help of qualified psychologists:

Any barriers of misunderstanding can be overcome. But work is important here both on your part and on the part of your loved one. Never look for stupid arguments for a disintegrating union. Misunderstanding will surely come in the next marriage if you do not start working on yourself right now.

"Fathers and Sons"

The most acute, classic problem is the problem of misunderstanding between parents and children. And it was not for nothing that she was sung by literary classics.

If such a barrier in the relations of the “first” family is not removed in time, the relations between parents and children will only worsen over time.

The main argument for the problem of misunderstanding of "fathers and sons" is the different upbringing, the conservatism of the former, the eccentricity and protests of the latter.

To find a common language with parents in adulthood, consider the following things:

The main thing that you must understand is the need to work on yourself directly from your side. Be sure that family relations will change as soon as you become softer and more loyal.

Become an example for your loved ones, and may harmony, mutual understanding and happiness come in your relationship!

A priori, two people participate in the creation of a family, who differ in their characters and taste preferences, habits and upbringing. Exceptional cases of perfect compatibility of partners are possible, but such a phenomenon is rightfully considered unique. In the process of living together, the spouses have quarrels in the family. If the problems that have arisen are not resolved in a timely manner, then a divorce becomes an invariable result of regular conflicts.

An invariable advantage of a protracted quarrel is the duration of the conflict. Passions do not rage in the house, which means that the spouses can think over the words spoken in a fit of anger

Having learned to communicate constructively and find compromises in controversial situations, partners eliminate the risk of separation due to disagreements. To improve relations between husband and wife, it is not enough just to want to be together. Marriage is a laborious “process”, a kind of work that requires the constant participation of both spouses.

Causes of quarrels between spouses

Initially, partners need to find out the cause of conflicts that violate the idyll in the house. The preconditions for the emergence of quarrels can be different:

• A selfish desire to change the habits and worldview of the spouse - the result is discontent and irritation of the chosen one.
• The unfounded belief that one partner brings more to the union than they receive from the other.
• Excessive jealousy, smoothly flowing into paranoia.
• The presence of one of the chosen ones inflated self-esteem.
• The birth of the first-born in the family, changing the gamut of both spouses.
• The lack of desire of one of the partners to engage in raising children.

• Lack of finances for the implementation of common goals and objectives.
• Constant dissatisfaction with the behavior of the chosen one.
• Sexual incomparability of spouses (both physical and psychological).
• Manic desire to control partner's activities outside the home.
• , during which women are characterized by capriciousness and excessive pickiness.
• Conflicts with relatives of the spouse interfering in the marriage union.
• Differences in views on the conduct of life.
• Lack of constructive dialogue between husband and wife in a relationship.
• Difficulties with the work of one of the partners, who feels his insolvency and dependence on the spouse supporting the family.
• Inappropriate prioritization (a cheerful company of friends is preferred to the company of a loved one).
• Physical betrayal, which turns out to be the epilogue of conflict situations.

Trying to change a relationship in which one of the partners raises a hand against the other is useless. The situation will keep repeating itself.

The above reasons are typical for men and women - over time in marriage, there is a division of responsibilities by gender. If rational distribution does not happen, then the emergence of quarrels from scratch cannot be avoided.

What to Keep Silent About: Taboo Topics in Conflict

During a quarrel, a person does not control the words spoken in a fit of anger. Such phrases leave an indelible imprint on the soul of a spouse. In order not to hurt your soul mate, you need to forget about the following expressions and manipulations:

• Ultimatums cannot resolve a conflict situation, so it is recommended to keep categorical expressions to yourself.
• The famous female manipulation, carried out through tears, helps to achieve an exclusively temporary effect - such behavior invariably annoys the representatives of the stronger sex.
• Quoting phrases that are especially offensive to a partner who has previously entrusted you with a secret.
• A negative comparison of a spouse with his close relatives is a guarantee of aggravation of an initially harmless situation.
• Vague wording of claims spoken to the partner during the conflict.
• Regular proposals to leave or promises to leave program the chosen one for the possibility of such actions. The implementation of such manipulations after a certain period of time will seem real.
• Do not infringe on the intellectual and anatomical features of the beloved in quarrels. Having awakened a childhood trauma in the chosen one, you can only guess about the consequences of what has been said.
• Do not program your consciousness for unconditional rightness in the current situation - both participants are always to blame for conflicts.
• Do not curse your partner in a fit of anger - thoughts tend to materialize.
• Manipulation of a partner in a conflict on the state of health is a forbidden "reception" that leaves a residue in the soul of the second "half".
• Do not prove your case by threatening your own life. The chosen one, who is worried about the state of your health, will take on a guilty look and apologize, but the opinion will remain unchanged.
• Comparing a loved one with a former chosen one in a quarrel is a significant reason not only for resentment, but also for parting.

The most valuable thing in conflicts between spouses is a moment of reconciliation that stretches all night

The word is a powerful weapon, in handling which you need to be extremely careful. The cause of many divorces registered in the territory Russian Federation, there is a misunderstanding between husband and wife, excessive rudeness in expressions and systematic insults that hurt one of the spouses for a "live".

Ways to build relationships in the family: options for reconciliation

Finding a compromise and being able to apologize is an art that some people have to learn for a long time. To enjoy reconciliation, "melting" in the arms of a loved one, it is enough to follow simple rules:

• Men are advised to periodically please the chosen one with a bouquet of flowers, providing an insignificant but pleasant sign of attention.
• Learn to thank each other for help and care.
• Do not take out “quarrels in public”, because often “well-wishers” advise ways to solve a problem that has arisen, only exacerbating the conflict.
• Protect your soul mate in public, despite the correctness of her beliefs.
• Praise your partner for achieving your goals, inspire you to conquer new heights.
• Arrange unexpected surprises, romantic walks or organize a candlelit dinner, diluting everyday routine.
• Be interested in each other's hobbies, trying not just to inquire, but to delve into the ideology of your beloved's hobby.
• Know how to listen, sharing the experiences and disappointments of your chosen one.

• Support your partner's desire to improve and develop by offering your help.
• Control outbursts of jealousy, rationally treat the signs of attention of friends and acquaintances, in whose decency you are sure.
• Try to spend more time doing things together.
• Learn to trust your partner.
• Make an effort to communicate correctly and in a friendly manner with your partner's relatives and friends.
• Refrain from criticizing the acquaintances of your chosen one, so as not to provoke a conflict situation.
• Adopt a pet while caring for a new family member together.
• Do not insist on sexual relations, but seduce your partner using the magic of fluids and flirting.
• Find compromises in controversial situations to avoid conflict out of the blue.
• Learn to cope with financial difficulties together, supporting each other and tuning in to a brighter future.
• Express your claims in a constructive way, arguing your opinion with already accomplished facts.
• Do not try to find a solution to the problem in upset feelings or in an irritated state - postpone the process of finding out indefinitely.
• Project the words you said during the argument onto your own image to realize the extent of the pain caused.
• Learn to forgive your partner's small missteps by showing understanding and demonstrating trust.
• Do not rush to pass judgment, think about the consequences.
• Periodically reevaluate the importance of the chosen one in your life.

In certain situations, it is more rational to listen to a partner who wants to leave, and not try to "reanimate" the relationship

Participation in the life of a partner is the basic rule of a happy family. In a union where harmony reigns and an atmosphere favorable for raising children, the spouses know absolutely everything about each other, trusting the chosen one with the most intimate.

Special cases: solutions

Having figured out the formula for "success" for a husband and wife quarreling over trifles, you need to pay special attention to conflicting couples related to special cases:

Pregnancy

Bearing a long-awaited child is a temporary state of a woman, so girls should not worry about the figure and attractiveness. Men "idolize" a wife who will become a mother, so they are ready to endure various whims. In such situations, the outcome of events directly depends on the girl. If you periodically “pull up” yourself without finding fault with your husband over trifles, then the pregnancy period for the couple goes unnoticed.

Birth of a child

If problems in the family arose after the appearance of the first child, then only the process of joint upbringing of the child will “save” the situation. A man needs to learn to take care of the baby from the moment of birth, periodically helping his wife in cleaning the house or cooking - common goals will bring the spouses together. It is important that the wife correctly explains to her husband that the break in sexual activity is temporary, offering alternative ways to solve the problem. - this is not an option, consult a doctor, find the best option that suits both of you. A woman should not lament and scold her husband for mistreating a newborn child. Treat your spouse's awkwardness with understanding, smile and explain the nuances of the process.

Parting

People take a “pause” in relationships, giving themselves time to reflect on the value of the union created. To restore the idyll and return to the family, it is recommended to periodically remind your partner who wants to leave. Signs of attention should be unobtrusive, pleasant and "accompanied" by a bit of nostalgia. If you leave a person alone with, then you can not count on a positive decision.

Divorce

Thank the partner who decided to divorce due to regular conflicts in the family for understanding and patience. Remember the happy moments that abound in the relationship of each couple. Apologize and leave your spouse alone with his own thoughts, taking care of the children or his own life. If a person has cooled off towards you, then nothing can prevent parting. Otherwise, the partner will return to the family with a desire to fix the “leaky” boat of love.

After 30 years of marriage

In a relationship where spouses know absolutely everything about each other, it is much easier to achieve harmony. To restore a favorable atmosphere in the house, a constructive conversation of adults is enough.

Cheating husband

The return of the representative of the stronger sex to the family after making a fatal "mistake" becomes possible if the man sincerely repents, asking for forgiveness, and the wife is ready to give another chance. It is possible by learning about the reasons for the act and identifying options for solving the problem. Without a constructive conversation, the situation will remain in a "suspended" state, becoming a time bomb.

Cheating wife

Hike to the left of a girl for a man is accompanied by a collapse of self-esteem. The guy is looking for reasons in financial and sexual insolvency. Men forgive women's infidelity extremely rarely, but occasionally there are exceptions to the rules. If the girl repents and realizes her guilt, then the only way out of the situation is a long conversation in the psychologist's office. Only a doctor will restore self-esteem to a man, advising the rules of behavior in such a situation. A stumbled wife is recommended to continuously please the chosen one, I believe in a favorable development of events.

In a family where partners sincerely love each other, there is no place for pride and disposition. Both spouses become the initiators of reconciliation.

What is the basis of misunderstanding in the family and how spouses should build a dialogue correctly: speak so that they listen to you, and listen so that they talk to you, explains psychologist Mikhail KERNATSENSKY.

- Many believe that the reason for misunderstanding between spouses is gender differences. Allegedly, men and women react differently; male is dominant...

- I do not think so, because there are many examples when men cannot agree with men, and women cannot agree with women. Each of us has both feminine and masculine traits. Their ratio in each individual is different. Of course, girls are not made of cars and constructors, but there are many girls for whom constructors come first. And the hierarchy in the family does not arise because I am a man and you are a woman, not on a biological basis, but because there is mutual respect and there is a responsibility that we take on. The one who has taken on more responsibility is the leader. In a family, there is only one obvious hierarchy - these are generations, and a man and a woman are very individual today.

Of course, if we talk about an Orthodox family, we assume that a man is a bearer of certain values, a warrior who takes a sword and consistently repels all misfortunes. They say about such people that this is the head of the family. There are more such men in the temple than anywhere else, but still, in general, they are few.

- Then what is the basis of misunderstanding in the family?

- The basis of misunderstanding in the family is self-justification. Self-justification is the working mechanism of selfishness. Let's see how it works. Whatever happens, we find the reasons why we are right, but the interlocutor is wrong. We need this to maintain self-respect. This happens automatically, without further consideration. For many, self-respect becomes synonymous with life satisfaction: if I did everything right, if I am right, then life is not in vain, I leave a significant mark on it. Over time, a person reaches a certain balance, only self-justification makes this balance crooked. This is how a person gets used to this crooked balance.

- And how can we come to a dialogue between spouses from this crooked balance?

– The main theme of any dialogue between spouses is their expectations. Understanding this, you can build a very meaningful dialogue, which will consist of two parts: "I want to know what you expect and feel, and I want you to know what I expect and feel."

The basis of understanding between spouses is the ability to hear each other. Psychologists identify a number of tools for conducting a productive dialogue between spouses. We will touch on only a few - those that in my practice met most often and worked well.

The first is active listening, when you listen to the interlocutor, and then in the response phrase you clarify whether you understood correctly. For example, you ask me about active listening, and I answer: “Do I understand correctly, you want to know what active listening is?” Obviously, this is a rather crude example. This gives you the feeling that I understand you, although I have not yet understood anything at all. Active listening is widely described and has many variations. Paraphrasing what has been said is only one option for active listening.

- It's good to start a conversation - to let the interlocutor understand that you are tuned in to his wave, but then emotions often turn on ...

– Clash with the emotions of the interlocutor is the most difficult; and the most effective way to continue the dialogue is not to get involved in these emotions. That is, take the position of a researcher. It may seem unnecessarily distant, insensitive, or even artificial. But this allows you to do the main thing - not to respond to emotions immediately. Otherwise, the dialogue runs the risk of turning into a skirmish or competition, who will answer sharper. If I take the position of a researcher, it helps to develop a dialogue.

However, emotions should not be completely avoided. The fact is that the expressed emotions become, if not weaker, then definitely not so painful. And for expressing your emotions, there is the following tool - the so-called "I-messages". This is when I say that I feel this or that emotion. Say: "I get very tired with the child" or "When you do this, I feel bad."

However, it must be understood that by speaking in this way, we risk plunging the spouse into a very dangerous zone of emotions that were hidden up to this point, because we were either not ready to express them, or were not ready to hear them. Therefore, they must be opened extremely dosed and monosyllabic. Most often, the interlocutor is not ready for this, he has not read our article, and does not know what we are talking about.

In addition, in addition to dosing emotions, it is necessary to understand how much the spouse is ready to endure this kind of tension. There is an axiom that the strength of a marriage is tested by the ability of spouses to withstand each other's crises. It so happens that one has a crisis state, and the other is in order. Worse, when both are in a state of crisis. Therefore, I recommend that everything that is being said now be done in the most calm environment.

- That is, for a serious dialogue about the problems that have accumulated in marriage, you need to choose the moment?

- Exactly. Moreover, sometimes you need to devote time and energy to preparing this conversation. As in the good old jokes: a husband brings flowers to his wife, and she already knows that he wants to ask her for something. Each participant in family relationships, perhaps without details, but knows what improves the mood of his spouse. And in this state, you can say something affectionately and dosed. In fact, it turns out that the better the self-awareness of the speakers, the husband and wife, the more adequately they will perceive what is being said, the more effective their reaction will be.

For a productive dialogue, it is important to add such a technique as a description. Description instead of reproach. For example, the husband stayed somewhere with friends. It is important here to describe your feelings, and not to reproach that you came late again: “When you are late and I don’t know where you are and what is happening to you, I am very worried.” This is the description of feelings. You don't have to say anything more. Over time, this will give a result, because such messages sink deep into the soul, if you really put an end to it, without going into details. It is important that the statement be devoid of criticism.

Here one more point must be taken into account - what are we trying to achieve with this statement, a dialogue in which we are trying to involve our spouse? Suppose I speak out, and my inner tension subsides a little. But in the family dialogue there are three sides - not only the husband and wife, but also the couple, the family. If we simply, as they say, “let off steam”, then personal tension decreases, and tension on the side called “couple” increases.

- And in this case, how to protect ourselves from the emotional statements of the spouse, when we are not ready for a conversation either emotionally or physically? Is it necessary to stop the dialogue or is it necessary to find the strength in yourself to continue it?

- First of all, you need to understand whether the partner will express his emotions by chance or on purpose. If there is an unpleasant dialogue for us in which we do not want to participate, we can say: “I heard you, but it’s hard for me to talk about it for a long time” or “It’s hard for me to stay in these emotions for a long time.” At the same time, in order to maintain a warm atmosphere in the family, it is very important to say about your warm feelings, love, understanding. This is such a security system for the listening person and at the same time expressing your feelings when you report that you cannot listen at the moment. And the other person must understand that such a signal from a partner means exactly what it means - that is, the spouse cannot endure it for a long time.

- What methods of resolving mutual understanding exist besides dialogue?

– Mutual understanding is born even when we get to know each other well. This is a constant preservation of interest in your partner, in what he wants, what drives him.

For mutual understanding, it is necessary to work on openness, that is, a willingness to understand and accept what is happening now. Because at some point you will be told something important and valuable, and you must be ready to accept it.

But the most important thing is not even in forms, not in techniques and not in tools, the main thing is to understand the key points: the origin of your egoism, the goals pursued by me and my partner, and mutual exchange, enrichment of each other. After all, in a couple, in a family, you can only change together. It is impossible to change alone.